My life has always been a whirlwind of crazy ups and downs. But, this is not a “woe is me” tale. I will not throw myself a pity party for all to attend. My life is my own and I accept it.
But, I am now a mom and feel the need to share.
From the beginning….
I have always wanted to be a mom. From the time my first nephew was born when I was 10 years old. He is now 23! I feel so old right now.
I remember carrying him around with me everywhere. Taking him for walks in his stroller for all my friends to see. I had found my calling at such a young age. I had a goal in mind. I was going to have a family and be a stay at home mom.
Fast forward a few years…. I had always had anxiety as far back as I can remember. School projects were very difficult for me, especially if it included a presentation or some type of speech. But, I thought it was just normal nerves.
All my life has been a constant struggle of finding a “safe place” where my anxiety and panic attacks would be to a minimum. It isn’t easy. I got to a point of feeling like I would never have children. I thought; How can I take care of another person when I can’t even take care of myself? I vowed to not be selfish and give up on my dream of being a mother.
The middle of the story is rather boring and sad. I am anxious to get to the reason why I started this blog.
My boyfriend is the most amazing man I have ever known. Without giving to much personal information about him, I will say that he was told by a doctor that he was not able to have children. He is the kind of man who loves nothing more than to be a husband and father. He was very sad about the situation.
When we started dating he realized how much I loved children when he saw me with his cousins kids. So, he started telling me how sorry he was that he couldn’t give me any babies and that he would understand if I wanted to leave to be with someone who could.
I told him that it didn’t bother me because I had already settled on not being a mother. It wasn’t his fault.
Little did we know that the doctor who told him he was sterile didn’t actually do any testing on him. He just assumed because of his disorder that he was sterile.
Now, fast forward about a year and I am late… by a few weeks. In my mind I had to be sick. Something was wrong with me.
He suggested we get a pregnancy test anyway… just in case.
When I say I was anxious… I mean I was terrified. I took the first test that night and it was positive. I told him and he got a huge grin on his face. I didn’t believe it so decided to take another one the next morning. It was also positive…. I was so scared. When I showed him the test he put his hand in the air for a high five! I looked at him like he had three heads. I said, “This isn’t good”! I’ll never forget what he said, “Babe, we can do this… you’re not alone! We will do it together.”
The next 9 months were a blur of nausea and OB visits. I went though a lot of feelings. I got mad at my boyfriend A LOT. I told him many times that I didn’t want to have a baby. I was so sick, but nothing ever came up, so I didn’t get any relief.
But, as I look back now, it was definitely worth it!
I think that I had an angel on my side the day Allie was born.
I had gone to my 40 week appointment and everything seemed fine. We got back to the car and I got a call from the doctor. She wanted me to come back, my BP was elevated and she wanted to check it again. I had a smidge of preeclampsia through my pregnancy.
She checked it again and decided I needed to be induced and sent me to emergency. Obviously, I was terrified at this point. Was my baby okay? Was I alright?
I was hooked up to all these monitors and given a drug to dissolve under my tongue to induce. Four hours later I was given another dose because I had only dilated 2 centimeters. They said it could take up to 2 full days. An hour and a half later the nurse checked me and I was 10 centimeters already! Let me tell you the process was a breeze (hence the angel). The contractions officially started at 12:20 a.m. I got the epidural at around 2:15a.m. I was fully dilated by 3:40, I started pushing at 3:58 a.m.
Allie Rose Klumph was born at 4:55 a.m. on Wednesday May 21 2014
I’m tearing up right now because the memory of seeing her beautiful little face is so vivid. Her eyes were so big! She didn’t cry right away, but when she did the emotion that ran through my body was overwhelming. I was in love.
All my life up to this point was preparing me for this moment. I had fulfilled my dream of being a mom! Thanks to an amazing man.
This blog is my outlet. I want to tell all other moms like me that, Yes, it is hard and you will have days when you want to throw in the towel and fly to Fiji. But, you won’t, because you’ll look at that little miracle, they will smile at you and everything will be okay.
This is my life and I want to share it with you.
Thank you for joining me.